Owls and Betrayal

Spent a weekend on the water; being grilled to borrow money from my grandparents and signing useless promise notes to them. I also heard a new cluster of information about my first four years of life and I am still sorting through it. Some of it was too much to listen to so I shut my ears.

I also pushed you away, which I regret. I am not stable right now but, of all things, I wish so much to be able to not forget that you are not an enemy. No excuses.

I also rested this weekend. Felt good. The drive back here was very calm and restful, right until I parked.

The minute I walked into the house I felt panic seize me. I pushed it down as hard as I could. That was two hours ago. I am losing the battle. My heart is beating so hard I am trembling. The nausea which lifted all weekend is back twofold and I can hardly catch my breath. It is purely physical. I am not thinking anything except that everything is okay, is good. But my body betrays me. The betrayal enrages me and, I have begun reverting to old ways of punishing myself. I try to knock myself out, to puncture my mutinous brain with screws in the wall that used to hold cardboard prints of owls I have just given away to your sister. The screws dare me.