Los Angeles Thursday March 7 1996

Back then I write:

So here I live in Hollywood.

Dis-satisfaction. Max just came home from work and kissed me and then left to play basketball. And he's working tonight at the restaurant.

I think of the trouble I am in, the bite mark on the back of my neck and feel boredoms flee under the struggle. That is why. I enjoy
the feeling of throwing myself into it.

I spend all day unable to get a full breath, feeling extremely relaxingly fitful and benign. I want to explode in tears. I want to be able to breathe.

**

Pressed up against the Dodge Dart car door. Victor undoes his pants and presses me more into the door.

What do you want? he asks

I want you to stop.

Do you ever have rape fantasies? Is that what your no means?

No. My no means no.

Aww. But I want you so bad. Not just your body, but I want that closeness with you. I want to come home from work and see you and kiss for a minute before we even talk. Please. Give me your tongue.

No!

Please. Don't do this to me. Just send it into my mouth.

Victor presses my hands, clad in weight-lifting gloves around his penis. She notices the size. Irrelevant.

Victor turns her to face him and kisses and she gives in once, wetting her tongue. He groans and leaps on her, biting the nape of her neck right to the bone.

Did that hurt? I'm a vampire. You didn't know that.

I roll my eyes. I am your victim. We are in a cheesy Anne Rice novel.

Yes. And you are mine.

Victor bumps her up against the door again.

Please no! I have to go. Please stop.

I hate how much I love how you say that. "Please stop!" You drive me crazy. I think about you, how much I want you. Come lie down with me. Aren't I a pervert?

No. Please. I feel so bad.

I begin to tear up and cross my arms.

Don't put your arms like that. Don't.

But I -

Don't you want me? Are you wet? If you go home you'll be miserable. He won't even be there. He'll be at work. You don't really feel like I do. That's all.

Shame wells up in my chest.

No. I am confused. You can't expect me to go from one thing to another.
I try to leave.

Victor locks the door.

I know. Maybe in 10 years we'll be together. You'll be beautiful still. I'll be old. Don't you want to feel me?
Victor pulls up his shirt.

I wanted you from when I first saw you on Los Feliz. ANd then I found out how you are and I can't take it.

Just let me go.

He drops his hands to my waistband. Slips his fingers under.

Just let me once.

No!

I want the taste and smell of you on my lips, tongue. You do it then.

I thought, I have to pee.