Faulty Lines

I have been looking to the past to avoid the present.

It shouldn't be so hard. If I could just think clearly about it, what is going on is not so hard. But the battle of the last few weeks
to continue exectuting tasks, ordering other people around and making decisions which will effect the next five years of my life is made harder because I believe firmly that there is one, right and perfect way for it to go. It is not going that way and I feel right now that I can, using some sort of unnamed mental energy, to force it to be.

That is what I do sometimes. I think that the bad things that have happened in my life are my fault. Not because I did something but because I didn't do something. My stepfucker killed my dog because of me. My dad died hating me because of me. My mother stays with an abusive man because of me. My last relationship plauges me to the brink because of me.

This because of me is I really, genuinely believe (even though I know it isn't true!) that if I sit on the ground, crush my eyes close and really concentrate hard on something it will come true. I just have to really visualize it strongly and for long enough that it causes my eyes, head and body to really ache and shudder. It has worked in the past and so when it doesn't work now it is because I am not trying hard enough.

Today I have to try harder. I have to end this the way I want through sheer force of will or I feel like I don't really see the point of living if I have to live without things turning out as I need them to. It'd be healthier, by far, I know to realize that all this is a sickness. I can see it as so. But I don't care right now.
I want to sit on the ground and concentrate for half an hour, strain all my energy towards what I want, because if I don't at least try I hate it.