Los Angeles 1996 continued

March

I walk to the grocery store. I buy grapefruit and an LA Times.

At home I become she and she starts her eating ritual.

Finally, she can't breathe.

April

The pain in my genitals has finally become too great and convincing. How could this happen to me I am healthy, fit, drug and fat free? Has a penis caused this, or worse, a clitoris?

I wait in the main waiting room of East LA Women's Clinic for the doctors to get out of their meeting. My appointment is for 10:30. I stumble to the desk and tell the thick woman there that I can't stand the TV (hispanic preachers) so I am going to wait in the tiny room by her desk. Really I just need solitude. I begin to pace because I am sure I deserve all this pain. The room is square so I cross it diagonally. In the room is a table with a phone on it that staff periodically use. And a sign about AIDS, and one about maximum occupancy. I reread the signs over and over in English and Spanish.

I decide to tell Max. I call him and he arrives. He is not supposed to be in here, the signs say so in both English and Spanish. Only patients are allowed in this part. He has a coffee of course. I am so thirsty I try to drink it.
We sit down.
He spills the coffee and tries to fix it by moving his chair.

I wonder if he is my enemy.