Billy Angel, of Roky Erickson and the Aliens, emailed me a warning a week ago. He had just had a dream that he was a passenger in my car as I sped fast on a dark highway, wearing a blindfold. He wanted me to let him know if this email was prophetic or bullshit.
I don’t know him.
Today I touched the fabrics I have collected for twenty years. That denim jumpsuit was from Goodwill in Louisiana TL picked it out. This sea-themed shirt I bought with baby-sitting money from Esprit when I was 17. That skirt I bought in New York when I was working there at Harmony, taking my cut out of Wallstreet through the laps of fevered businessmen. That antique velvet skirt from an estate sale in Daytona Florida, the original owner long dead now.
I certainly don’t have a blindfold on, I only wish I did. Right now, if I were to die, I like that my clothes would be parted out. Trashed, taken by friends and donated back into the very places I got them from. I’ve spent the day with my clothes, my house, my dog planning how to speak to my mother. Disinterest and distress rally for position in my emotional register. My mother hasn’t seen hardly any of these clothes, she wouldn’t recognize them as mine. She could accidentally go to a thrift store and buy one of my ugly sweaters after I was dead because we have overlapping tastes in glitter and colour.
Over and over I decide today to recall all my plans and articulations about how I will regard her as sick, merely human. But of course memory is gory. Age 11: she throws me over her knee to spank me and my temple smashes against the nightstand. She stops dead, aghast and looks at me letting me retreat across the bed. She tells me, no matter what don’t go to sleep. Age 17: I tell her I am moving out and she gives me her trademark, devil-may-care grin crossed with her leg bounce. Age 15: My mother tells me, across the supper table (that no one ate supper at), that she had to change our phone number because we were getting crank calls….(from my dying dad she left out accidentally).
I have let all of this go. And that is why each tendon across my back is singing in rhythm to my heartbeat which is so loud I have to turn the tv all the way up. It’s easy. It doesn’t matter. She is sick.
And I yearn to go be someone else. For other people’s tedious troubled families. To have an annoying mother who calls me and argues about my life decisions. I dream of going home sometimes, though it was never there, and run my hands over the walls of faux oak I’ve now replaced with the real thing. I want her to see my house and investigate it out of curiosity and concern. To look at all my clothes and know all the stories of where they came from and not just the facts about the strange silver top and pink blouse I bought with her over half my lifetime ago so she wouldn’t accidentally be able to buy my sweater once I’m dead. I want her to travel across the world to see me or at least across southwestern Ontario.
Nope.
And this is hard to explain because I can’t. I know I am missing something, that I am blind and speeding along, but I can’t help myself. The problem isn’t her, or me it is my addiction to the pain. Of crashing crashing over and over, into the night table, into the vast hydroplaning emptiness of shutting off everything inside me except for keeping my sister away from my Barbies, my sheets off Max’s skin, the television on inside me.