Reasons I Hate My City

I live in a city I dreamed of living in when I was 17. I used to hitchike here just to sleep on park
benches and heat exchangers.

But now I hate it. I realized today I especially dislike walking around in it. I don't like driving in it but it is particularly unpleasant when I have to move slowly through it, like walking. I don't want to be reminded I'm here.

One obvious reason, given the theme of this blog, is that you are not here.

But the hate has even more roots. When you were here it still didn't heal my hate.

There is no fashion here. No exuberant self-expression in the form of shortshorts or tapered jean. I don't need an entire army of fashion conversationalists but one or two a day would lighten my step. The subway demoralizes me because everyone has spent a lot of money trying to say exactly the same thing. I can't discern the meaning of it because it is so repetitious, so continuous and so loud it is more like an insipid yoga drone. Something that once perhaps held great meaning for someone somewhere else but repeated now so carelessly it only good at two things: unnerving me and spreading like a virus.

There is arrogance here. Especially amongst fashion and music people. I don't mind arrogance I can even respect it, when warranted. Like, Alexander McQueen seems pretty arrogant. But
fuck.
He makes compelling clothes. I would really love to worship some arrogant person in my city who was making really great shoes/songs/messes/holes in the ground but I can't find them. I have found them in the past and they leave. For New York (Vice Magazine), Berlin (Peaches) or Los Angeles.

I know why. TL says if everyone good leaves then the city will never get better. She just doesn't want me to leave. That is the only (a big thing!) I love about my city. My good friends. Great, really. Standing by me as I careened very close to emotional invisibilty and permanently checking out of any kind of shared social reality. TL has dug in and is trying to make it great. She has a business named on many local sites as the newest place to go and be in. Maybe it is my condition to just dislike where I live. I am non-participatory.

But I am not convinced. And I still hate my city.


And I didn't even get into how I met Satan today at the Goodyear. I asked him and he didn't even deny it.

MySpace Model