Owning Up

Emotional Abuse Can't Hurt Me!

That has been my apothegm. Words to live under. It was true so long as I did not allow myself to feel anything except anger. The problem with that, of course, is that I hated everyone - even and especially those who tried to be close to me. Oh yeah, and myself too.

It also allowed me to be smug.
Smug because I believed that I had, through sheer will, escaped the effects of emotional abuse entirely. I never abused substances or used them! I was never depressed! I was never suicidal!
I win! Like nothing ever happened. Case closed.

But that, is a lie. Or at least just a very stop-gap and soul wrenching way of interpreting the facts.

Fact: I was able to will myself to never turn to drug or alcohol substance abuse. However, in its place I needed to set up the most strict regime of eating, exercise and sleeping possible. And stick to it forever. It works. I guess as long as I know it is not normal. So I can hide the parts I need when I necessary.

Fact: I was able to never be depressed. I did this by not paying attention to any feelings I had except fury. Fun! I was on constant anti-sadness alert for something to launch against.
Currently, I'm not so angry but now it is part of what I find amusing and rewarding in day to day life. I will just try to be equally constructive to balance it out, I guess?

Fact: I never did think about killing myself. My stepfather would then win! Fucker. (See how it all fits together). Instead I just set myself up in impossibly risky and dangerous situations. People would ask: weren't you afraid to travel there with the waring brown people alone? weren't you afraid of getting involved with bad (read: black) people? weren't you afraid of living in your car? weren't you afraid of crossing murderers? weren't you afraid of getting hit by a car? weren't you afraid of getting raped? weren't you afraid the end was right around the corner?

The answer, everytime: unequivocally - No!
It certainly was nothing to do with being brave or adventurous. Much more to do with having nothing to lose. And, even more so, enjoying so much living with legitimate anxiety (based on immediate situations). There is nothing worse than having illegitimate anxiety (based on nothing/emotional abuse) because then you feel bad for feeling bad and everything ratchets up.
If you are wondering if someone is going to use that knife to slit your throat or use that cock to rape you it can be strangely comforting to the anxious. It all makes sense finally and feels real.

Real.

Secretly, silently, I am overjoyed in situations where everyone else is in a panic. I am thrilled. I am in my element, at my best. I understand and everything is clear.

Take this away, all of this away and it becomes very difficult to see a reason to want to live. No revenge, no escaping abuse, no fun to be found in fury and danger. A calm, reasonable, safe and healthy life makes no sense to me.

None at all.

So I am selecting an new motto. I don't trust myself to make one up right now so
I am turning to television.

It is a genuine toss up for me between these three:

Davy Crockett via Disney "Be Sure You're Right, Then Go Ahead"

Ivory soap "Ninety-Nine And 44/100% Pure"

THE ROGUES/NBC/1964-65 "Honor Before Honesty" -