Breaking up is hard to do.

Come home to x’s calls. New demands, details. New information about subtle attacks on TL and escalating insults directed at her are distressing. I am beginning to see that his mistreatment of her is a diversion of hostility he subconsciously feels but cannot deliver to me. Partly out of material consideration but also out of fear of me. My immediate reaction is to feel entirely responsible for making two people’s lives harder. Oh, and my own too, merely because I held on to something for so long out of self-hatred and dislike of change.

It’s my problem, so it must be my solution.

I think I know how to make things better until it will be over. A few well-placed suggestions and hints and I can hopefully manipulate his own worst fears about himself. Those I know well. I just want him to leave us alone. It makes me feel gross to have to sink to this, to not be able to salvage some sort of dignified friendship out of all the years spent. I am certainly willing. But using my friend as a whipping post is unacceptable. Disgusting.

I just want, as I did a year ago, this whole fucking deal over.