Tricking

Today is my assigned rest day. The first day where my job was to do nothing stressful all day. I came close – but I had a few small tasks. (not perfect!)

Overall it was successful in that my anxiety was fairly low. I wish I could say there was none. But not yet.

Right now, having moved and living in such an utterly different and temporary way feels ….odd. So I feel that. Which is normal?

There are so many things I have to get used to.

Many of my new roles, places are things I am not sure about. And I feel urgently that I need to do them all perfectly.

There is not even the possibility for me to misstep slightly. Except of course I do and have and will and thus…anxiety. I want to be the perfect landlord, teacher, student, money-maker, organizer, size, energy level, partner……

And I can’t ever be. Never ever. Like letting go of a dream…a brutal punishing one but a dream nonetheless.

Balancing out this letting go with a feeling of acceptable, adequate and normal instead of being an utter disappointment is the trick.

I’m good at tricks.