Homefree

I think maybe it would be best if I never lived anywhere.
If I never had a home it would resolve most of my compulsions and concerns.
It is a strange idea, since I just bought a house. Luckily I don’t live there and maybe I never should. Because thinking about living there is to let loose all-consuming thoughts that I am on the run from.

So, what I can do is move into a car or some fucking thing. And then, not having any of the things that give me anxiety, I will be free.

The other problem I have is being torn. Right now I am stuck in the between of how I was for so long thinking about my house/family and filled with fury and unleashed anxiety and how I am going to be without constant anger and dismantled compulsions. The funny thing was, at no time was I ever depressed. I was happy with my fury and busy with my perfectionism. Only fleetingly sad….so brief as to not exist at all. And my anxiety was the fuel that moved me. I acknowledge that if I did not work and live in such a pain-filled and anxious reality I could probably accomplished much much more emotionally and who knows what else.

Now that I have to feel things I can hardly imagine what I was thinking.
I still do things old ways though and when I do it really hurts.
Secrets and protective versions of reality that I try not to hold to. Doing what is best for me. That is what my psychiatrist calmly told me: I need to just do what is best for me. She made it sound so very clean and airy. But I am repeatedly failing at doing it anyways.