Pretending to Get Help

I can’t write this yet.

But I can write this.

I have had a anxiety-free day…so calm and relaxed. No physical pains, slow breathing. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the 1mg of clonazepam that I took last night. It is because I am healed.

I think I’m drinking soap.

I am learning about hockey.

Pretty soon there will be no more bathing.

I’ve already been cut down to showers. Sometimes I go and sit in the tiny freezing moldy tub, lie back and imagine.

Soon, like now, I have no more anxiety medication. And I can feel it leaving me. I could go get other things that would help me more and in better ways but I cannot do that. Like how I cannot take a bath. The tub is there but it is too awful there to actually bathe. I have the prescription on my lap right now but it is too terrible for me to fill it. But I can sit back on my daybed and imagine being well.