Elvi

In the past, what I was best at and enjoyed most, was focusing on one very specific project intensely like a film or a story or a demolition. The problem was I escaped into it so I would not have to feel anything. Marrying attention to feeling with intesnse focus on a project seems perverse in some way. Another expample of black and white thinking, I suppose. No wonder I was so fascinated by Gloria Anzaldua's Borderland book a decade ago...all about being in two places at once and so on. Of course her argument was about mestiza consciousness and not my fucking particular coping mechanisms, but it is interesting nonetheless that even though I had no idea how fucked up I was, I was at some level aware of a glaring problem.

This weekend: Elvis, bridal improv, soccer and running down the pain that makes my heart loud and shoulder throb slowly. In other words, trying not to pay attention to all the misteps and mistakes I must certainly be making.