Spectacular Results

Living in an emotionally more complex world, one with variety beyond the distance between rage and hatred, is so new to me I feel at times completely out of touch with reality.

Where once I vacillated between being either perfect or horrible, now I contain such an array of oppositional identies and certainties that used to be mutually exclusive, it makes me sea-sick. I feel simultaneously hopeful about the future while I also feel like it would be nice to quietly die. I feel excited about summer plans with close friends; I want to avoid friends and the new responsibility of expressing my weaknesses and desires. I enjoy being angry about things; it terrifies me to be angry.

It is a fine fucking way to meet a life-altering awakening.

I am not sure if I really feel like this; or is it a result of my attempts to meddle with my anxiety. I know change makes sense; but how much? Is the only thing making me sure my decision to be sure? Then I get bored with it all and just want to take pornographic pictures. Look! Sex! Genitals!