Distances Recovered; the reward of intimacy

It is good to see you are taking care of yourself and your cold.

Talking to you this morning was very good. It always is. I am working very hard to break
through this awful feeling that I cannot seem to escape. It is about my past, my present difficult
situation, but also my future. I don't trust my feelings right now, but I certainly feel something is
very wrong. I don't know how to put it exactly. Maybe, as part of therapy, I have recognized some
new things I need to do and say that I am not doing and saying. But I am still working on
what actions to take. What things I have left out that will make this feeling go away. I want everything
to be okay, to not feel bad, but that is part of the problem. The more I do that the more distant everything
and everyone feels. I don't know if it is because my therapy last week was about permitting myself
to feel all the things I pushed away for so long and I am finally registering that emotionally. I don't know if I should
just wait and have this feeling pass, which it surely should. I know that if you felt like this I would
want to know. But at the same time, I feel like you cope with these things all the time and it is
no big deal to you. It is back and forth.

I need everything that can be to be a little less hard for a couple weeks. I need that or I cannot
possibly go on.

Intimacy is so fucking fragile. It counts on so much strength. All of my strength has been wrongly diverted - stolen really - by wrongheaded directives.

I just got a very kind and fun email from a friend who, at my encouragement, has started online dating. These are the connections that matter, that mean something and that give strength. Intimacy's reward.