Paris Hilton has herpes, I gave them to her.

He killed the help
give me the gun

It broke and blue powder,
the colour of eyes stained my finger
and burned going down.

Now, both real and imaginary,
bricks bounce off my sternum and the veins in my neck become arteries,
arteries into twigs of ironwood trees.

Even in my towards direction I’m backwards. When I feel
things they don’t come. I tell you about pain, I talk about things that don’t matter which builds to unleashments and an hour later
I am in my well-equipped vehicle with Hot Chic dying.

If I could be anything, I’d be summer 07 balenciaga eyewear resting on
reformed bridges everywhere. Instead I am here, uniformed and smeared with ride symptoms.

The End.

HOORAY!

This blog, if it is to continue, must be repurposed: for the distance in my long distance relationship has now been removed.

CELEBRATE!

Really, what to see.

My dog likes to sleep with her head on my hip. I like to sleep when someone is asking me pointed questions. Somehow I feel most like sleeping when I am completely sure I won’t be able to (like in therapy or driving).

I am trying purposefully to eat enough and I can manage that if it is mostly composed of frozen yogurt and chocolate. By the end of every day though I feel like I wish I had eaten nothing at all, as though food sullies me and I think wistfully back to times when I was not shackled to such a chore and felt purified.

Someone in kindness told me I was stunning today. I scoffed inwardly. Maybe because I am 1000 years old right now and old is ugly.

I am not the man I used to be.

Neonized signs

I have, among other things, tremendous willpower. That is something I have always been sure of. A way I would have of describing myself to others if they asked. I was aware of it at various times in my life when I would make a decision about how to live my life and then, despite how unpleasant it was, stick to it. Examples: living off $5.00 a month for my first year of university. Or my decision, over ten years ago, to run every day no matter the health or weather calamity. Even my decisions about how and when and what to eat severely limiting my social and physical health.

More recently I have become aware of other ways I have used my willpower. As a child, I willed myself to feel no emotions for any living thing only material things and fictional characters like houses and the certain cast members of All My Children. Later, I willed myself to be in a painful relationship with someone I did not like nor respect to normalize the results of my earlier decision.

I am now willing myself to stop all this. And in the process coming to doubt my willpower. Because, while those things I decided to do seemed difficult to others they were really easy to me. And now – willing myself to be physically and emotionally healthy – is hard. Sometimes so painful that I can’t actually stand it.

But.

But, despite the absolute pain and impossibilities and in some ways because of it, there remains a formulation of hope. Hope in the shape of you. After spending the past few weeks with you I can begin to understand more of what relationships that work are for. Not to tether myself artificially to reality. Nor to punish myself in soothingly familiar ways for being shameful and a burden.
I think maybe relationships like ours are to remind me of what my life should have in it, of how to feel passionate for something and not compulsively driven. It is helping me move away from a structure of battling absolutes and wills and towards something far more messy, frighteningly unpredictable and yet still starkly beautiful: a kind of trust in myself that goes beyond knowing I can decide to do something and make it so.