Resistance to maintaining body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height
Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though underweight
Disturbance in the way in which one's body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight
Infrequent or absent menstrual periods (in females who have reached puberty)
Lying down right now and not feeling my heart pounding in my throat, ears, back is the best thing in the world.
I still feel an echo, like the pounding heart is not gone only waiting a little further away. Accompanied by a slight tightness in the front of my throat.
Like Piaget's Disease.
But like I have extra ribs and that they are growing nonstop in deformed arcs that encircle my chest and spiral smaller and smaller forever.
Yesterday my therapist, in an attempt to help me cope with my chronic loud heart symptom, tried to suggest places for me to go that felt calm and safe. I was pretty unhelpful as she listed off various city parks and asked me if nature made me feel calm. I said yes, but that nowhere in a city felt like nature to me because I grew up in the country. I said city parks actually irritate me, which is true, and that the farm I used to go to for that escape is now all fucked up because of my x and having to sell it and what transpired there.
Just now I realized how I should have answered more positively. There is no "where" I go exactly, but there are two television shows that calm me so much I can't help but fall asleep watching them, even if I fight it. One is the aforementioned All My Children, which is helpfully on every day. However, today it didn't work as well as usual.
The other show worked really well on Sunday night: Deadwood. I cannot at all stay awake for that entire show. Not because I don't find it interesting - I actually find it very compelling . It is because, as I sort of live in the show, I can live in the 1850s which is not only another place but another time entirely. So far and entirely free from all the personal, emotional, physical and social structures that are a constant covert live feed for my anxiety. That process alleviated my pounding heart even this week or at least help me fall asleep immediately.
So the answer to her where is really a correction: It should be "When" should I go to. And the answer is 150 years ago to one of the last bleeding edges of the American western Frontier. Helped along of course via HBO productions.
